First and most important step is to accepting you have a mental illness. For me it was easy to accept that I had an Eating Disorder, it was harder when I was told I had Depression a year previous.
Then you need to actually make to decision to want to save your life and to make the biggest change of your life. This was actually the hardest thing i've ever had to do. I made out that I wanted to be better and wanted a healthy lifestyle, when deep down my illness was not letting me.
It always sounds bizarre as I refer to my Eating Disorder like it's a living thing. I refer it as a problematic disease that sometimes makes an infestation inside my head and just takes away my life. This really is a case after being diagnosed, it needs to feed on you to live. It does anything and everything to put up a fight and keep you in a downwards spiral to your ultimate death. After weighing myself i'd go into denial and be secretly mortified if i had gained weight then back to starving i would go, then try to pick myself back up for a week or two, to just waste it all again.
This had naturally been going on since i was 12/13 so it had become a routine of mine to lie, hide food, starve myself in order to get skinny.
After 3 months of Therapy and lots of tears from myself and my family, i had finally made the decision that i actually wanted to recover and this time i meant it deep down.
I spent months having panic attacks from eating food, having a completely different day of food intake and to altering my mind.
I was certainly a very negative person for most of my life, i thought all this determination was going to be a waste. Sometimes i was willing to accept my fate.
Eventually getting up to 7 and a half stone, i had started being able to wear less layers, be more active, being less dizzy, and most of all, gaining control of me being happy and to accept and love food.
After being in self exclusion for a year i started living my life again. Going out for meals with my family was the proudest moments in my life, and i cannot tell you how happy i was when not only my mother said she was proud of me, but her boyfriend, and my grandparents.
Sadly i haven't been doing aswell the past 3 weeks and i had lost half a stone, but after crying in the doctors afterwards, i am more committed than ever to gain my weight, and beyond.
I want to get to the point where i never have to have a blood test in fear of my organs being harmed. I want eating to be an automatic thing and not to be thought about.
Above all, i want to tell myself i am proud for giving myself the strength and determination to have my life back for the first time in a decade and to be like any other person my age.
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